Let's Hop On Call
I love my family
I really do
I even wrote an article about how great my five older sisters are
But it's big
And at times
A bit chaotic
With myself
My 5 sisters
10 nieces and nephews
Aunts
Uncles
Parents
And everyone else in between
My family gatherings have enough heads to fill a stadium scene in a movie
The only difference is
Stadium scenes are full of extras
Whereas my family
Is full of stars
Amazing characters
All of whom are deserving of the main role
As the protagonist in our epic family story
But unfortunately
When you put a bunch of stars in a room together
There's less room for each of them to shine
Less opportunity to deliver their lines
And less influence to drive a narrative
When you're dealing with an all-star cast
Full of the biggest and best personalities
While also sprinkling in some strained histories
Grudes
Emotional knots
And overall unresolved conflict
It's not hard to see why tensions are bound to arise
For me
I find it helpful to imagine a person as their body
And their personality as a bubble that surrounds them
The bigger the personality
The bigger the bubble
Using this idea
It's possible for me to imagine a room with 30 people inside of it
The room itself is plenty big to fit 30 people
There's couches to lounge on
Tables to sit around
And more bathrooms than one could dream of
Each person has ample space
But it just so happens
That each of these 30 people has a big personality
So while the room may be big enough to fit the bodies of these 30 people
It isn't big enough to fit the bubbles that surround them
Because of this
The room has exceeded its maximum occupancy
Not in terms of people
But in terms of personality
This results in personality bubbles brushing up against each other
Causing friction
Causing tension
And competing for space
This example helps me understand that people actually take up more space than just their physical body
Which means...
Just because a room can comfortably accommodate 30 bodies
Does NOT mean that it can comfortably accommodate 30 people
Now remember
I love my family
Probably as much as you love yours
Getting together for Thanksgiving is my single favorite day of the year
And any opportunity for us to convene is a welcomed treat
So the point of this article is not to burst anyone's bubble
It's to talk about a very pleasant observation I had recently
As of 2020
My family is more decentralized than it has been in my entire life
Due to personal arrangements
Employment opportunities
And the general need for change
What used to be a relatively centralized family unit mainly located within New York State
Now also occupies
Connecticut
California
Florida
And Texas
My family
Once held together by the power of proximity
Has been flayed across this beautiful country
From sea to shining sea
This means that the welcomed treat of convening
Has lost most of its practicality
When a pandemic gets tossed into the mix
The ability to convene gets eliminated entirely
No matter how strong the desire to convene may be
Right?
Well
Not so fast
Remember
I said that I had a pleasant observation recently
And while what I just described fits the criteria for being an observation
It's hardly pleasant
The pleasant observation comes from interactions I've been having with my family
Interactions that have been made possible thanks to telecommunication platforms such as Zoom
Most people have used
Or at least heard of Zoom at this point
Maybe you've used Skype
Google Hangouts
FaceTime
Or some other breed from the same species of technology
I'm choosing Zoom for two reasons
One
Because it's what my family has been using
And two
Because it's seemingly becoming the genericized trademark for telecommunication services In the same way that Kleenex is the genericized trademark for nose blowing services
Thanks to Zoom
My family has had the ability to 'get together'
In the last three months alone
We have celebrated:
Two Passover seders
My dad's 70th birthday
My niece's not 70th birthday
And my nephew's bar mitzvah
All through a computer screen
Initially
I found this kind of depressing
Family gatherings devoid of the physical presence of people you love definitely feel a bit less wholesome
And celebrations via a screen literally and figuratively lack the depth that in-person celebrations come with by default
But
To my surprise
These gatherings and celebrations ended up being more enjoyable than expected
All of them
No fighting
No friction
No tension
No nothing
Instead of those things
I felt a sense of camaraderie
A sense of togetherness
A sense of bonding
Everyone was there
And on top of that
Everyone was happy to be there
These healthy hangouts gave me a reinforced feeling of assurance
They showed me time after time
That my decentralized family was not only able to convene in a centralized digital space
But thrive
And it was exciting to see
In many ways
It actually feels as if this is the closest my family has ever been
Despite the fact that we've literally never been further away from each other
At first
This seemed counterintuitive to me
How could there be a positive correlation between the distance of individual family members and the health of the overall family unit?
In other words
How could more miles mean more smiles?
And in what ways was Zoom facilitating this?
But when I sat down to think about it
Things started to make more sense
Particularly for 3 specific reasons
First:
We want what we can't have
So when we can't see each other
The desire to do so goes up
It's supply and demand
And as the supply of opportunities for my family to physically gather decreases
The demand for my family to physically gather increases
Zoom meets this demand by providing an alternative solution that wasn't feasible until relatively recently
As a result
People are more inclined to be in a good mood from the outset of the gathering
Because in a sense
Zoom allows us to have what we 'can't have'
And who doesn't love that?
Second:
Zoom solves many aspects of the personality bubble problem
The issue is not that my family doesn't want to see each other
It's the friction that arises from personality bubbles that can't be contained within a relatively small physical space
Zoom's functionality accounts for this
You can mute yourself
You can turn off your video
You can even walk away from the screen for a while
Zoom affords an individual's personality bubble as much physical space as it needs
While still allowing that individual to convene and communicate digitally with others
Third:
And most important
The model of conversation is much different on Zoom as compared to real life
At a real life family gathering
Many conversations can and do happen in parallel
I call this model M.S.A.A.T Communication
Many Speakers At A Time
My mom is sitting at the table talking to my aunt
My sister is on the couch talking to four of my nephews
And I'm in the bathroom talking to myself (kidding)
There's multiple conversations happening simultaneously
These conversations are like little sub gatherings
Happening within the greater super gathering
This is good and bad
It's good because many people can be conversing about different topics at the same time
But it's bad because many people can be conversing about different topics at the same time
Having the freedom to chat about whatever with whoever is ideal
Nobody wants to get locked into a conversation they are not interested in having
But when a gathering resembles a quilt of conversations
There comes along with it a reduction in communal connection
Since each sub gathering is discussing a different topic
The super gathering becomes conversationally fragmented
And can lose cohesion until a central theme is found
Such as
'Okay, let's sit down for dinner!'
Or
'Time to sing happy birthday!'
Which brings the super gathering back into alignment
Zoom on the other hand
Has a completely different flow of conversation
No matter how many people partake in a Zoom gathering
Only one person can speak at a time in order for the gathering to operate in a healthy way
Because when multiple people try to speak at once
The conversation is reduced to noise
I call this model O.S.A.A.T Communication
One Speaker At A Time
So while conversation topics can change based on who is speaking
Sub gatherings are not able to form
Resulting in a central theme of conversation throughout the super gathering at all times
This alone is enough to increase communal connection
Whether people agree with each other or not
And trust me
There is no shortage of disagreements in my family
But I observed that the O.S.A.A.T model of communication has been good for cohesion
And like I said
It was a pleasant observation to have
The three reasons above helped me grasp how there could be a positive correlation between the distance of individual family members and the health of the overall family unit
In other words They helped me grasp how more miles could mean more smiles
And they helped me grasp in what ways was Zoom facilitating it all
But for the last time
Remember
I love my family
So to be clear
None of this is to say that I would want to replace all physical family events with digital ones
But at times when physical gatherings may not be possible
Digital gatherings have proved to be more than an adequate substitute
- Harry W. Brodsky
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